An occasional Astaghfirullah rolls out of my tongue. And it falls flat to the ground.
For, nothing ever changes in my life. No matter how many Astaghfirullahs I mumble.
My evil intentions; my sinful speech; my wicked ways; my furtive glances; my confused conduct; they all remain the same.
Day after day; night after night; and place after place.
Nothing ever changes.
Maybe that is why my Astaghfirullah doesn’t seem to go anywhere.
Because Astaghfirullah means:
“I ask God to forgive me!”
Because Astaghfirullah means:
“Almighty God!
You know, just as I know, in fact even more and better than I do or will ever know, all the terrible things I have done – and I am continuing to do.
So, please God, forgive me!”
Because Astaghfirullah means:
“God Almighty!
I give you my solemn word, and I make to you a most serious and sacred commitment, that I shall never again repeat the terrible things I have done in the past – or I am doing now.
I promise you I will change.
I promise!”
Because Astaghfirullah means:
“I promise, Oh God, I will go and make amends, I will make restitution, for all the wrongs I have done, and for all the injustices I have committed, against you and your creation whose keeper and protector you are.”
Because Astaghfirullah means:
“I promise, right in front of you, Dear Beloved God, and right now, that I shall never return to my dubious days of the past and my questionable practices of the present.
And that I shall work very, very hard to purify my motives and my intentions.
And that I shall work tirelessly to modify my behavior.”
And because Astaghfirullah means:
“You be my witness, Oh God, that I shall change my ways and my behavior and my conduct.
No matter what price I have to pay.
No matter what it costs.
No matter how hard I have to work.
And no matter what sacrifices I have to make.”
So, these are some of the things that Astaghfirullah means.
I don’t know how well I have internalized these things. Maybe not very well.
But I have a feeling that, maybe, that is why my Astaghfirullah appears to fall flat. And does not seem to go anywhere.
Otherwise, one Astaghfirullah should have the power to transform a life.
And to remake the world in which one lives.
END
